i'm still sitting in a pile of mess that i'd have like to call 'home'.

it's been almost 4 months since shifting in here and yet it still hasn't sunk in with me that this is gonna be 'home' for the next few years. i still have part of my life in boxes and more just accumulating on tables, floors and shelves. 

i don't know why it's so hard to 'settle'.

sheesh.

anyway, i've been thinking. it seems i have far too much things that are holding me back. and of which i allow to hold me down. i think we get addicted to our messes and our 'less than perfect' life. seriously, the percentage of people who really and honestly like their life without dramas is too small. we always have to, got to, conjure up something and make it big, make it 'wow', make ourselves the star of our staged, TV drama life.

this doesn't necessarily mean that we go around shouting our problems and issues to the world, but we probably do amplify them internally, sort of like, "come on, i'm facing such and such a challenge in my life, and i've chosen not to talk about it to people but to put on a brave front, if only everyone knew, then they'd realise how much character i have.." and etc. 

(nah, don't terasa k. i'm talking about myself lah. haish. but let me use the word 'we' so i can shift the blame k? :p)

life can never be too good. maybe we feel unworthy of having all things well when others or struggling? it's only right to show that we are facing challenges too, and we understand how it feels. empathy rules all.

question - would you prefer a friend that has it all together, everything going more than perfect in life, no problems, no worries, always happy or someone else that's more 'human', with struggles, relational issues and well, just more like you?

truth is, at some point, we get tired of people 'God always favours'. we love to hate them. we love to see them fall so we'd scrutinise their every move and pin point every mistake. Aha! you're not a saint after all!

ok. this is becoming verbal diarrhoea. back to the point. 

i'm addicted to my messes, my less-than-perfect life. i dwell in the bitterness of friendships that have turned sour and forgo the chances of forging better relations with others. i track the meetings i'm left out of and forget the dates i'm invited to. i note the off-hand remarks and blank out intentional compliments. i curse the darkness instead of lighting a lamp..

and maybe that's why i'm stuck where i am stuck. wishful of bigger, better things albeit being just an inch away from it all... that last inch, takes the most effort. 

thank you.. for those of you who have stayed by me despite my indifference. thank you.. for those who have tried their best to reach me. and thank you.. for those who once were but who aren't anymore, i still miss you immensely, but it's taking too long and too much of me not to start letting go. i can't keep mourning the loss of what should have been, could have been. i shall keep missing you, but in fondness and not contempt. 

thanks. for the memories. :) i'm gonna go make some new ones now. season 2. coming up.