coal

i've been globe-trotting on a very small scale. and much as it is addictive to be on the move, it is also tiring. the one thing i find that i miss the most is the feeling of going 'home'. 

Since June I've been to Indonesia, Thailand, Japan, Singapore, to and fro Malacca - KL and KL - KK, and I'll be in HK next week. I am blessed with the freedom to do all this, but yet, i do not feel entirely free. 

For one, my belongings are pretty much scattered in several places with the majority of them in boxes sitting in living rooms. I am not complaining about the living room space so generously let out to me, but it's a burdensome feeling to know that my personal belongings are pretty much exposed and well, not quite personal anymore. And honestly, it is also a burden for me to think of my stuff clogging up living spaces of other people. 

I prefer to be anchored, to have roots, to gather a considerable amount of moss. I dread thinking of having no permanent place for me to lay my head. To have no place to go 'home' to. (I'm talking physical home. Not the 'home is where your heart is' home. That home isn't on this side of heaven. yet) 

And secondly, I worry about my responsibility back in KL. My group of people, my cell. And because I am not able to be physically there, I am helpless. I am thankful for Kerwin, stepping up and taking the initiative. But I also know that it is difficult, and he suffers on my behalf. 

I feel, dysfunctional and disillusioned. 

I can not think about future plans when my present is in dire need of straightening out. I can not look for job vacancies when I more urgently need to find house vacancies. And I just can not help feeling a tinge of disappointment in people and more so, in myself. 

Maybe I'm waiting to pluck my apples when I've actually planted durian seeds. 

Or maybe I've planted nothing at all. 

We reap what we sow. We produce followers after ourselves. What disappoints me in you, is what disappoints me in myself.

I am sorry. For four years, i have still failed. It burns, producing not gold, silver, nor precious stones, but merely dust and ashes. 

dust. and. ashes.