tisbury..

i just wanna be happy. to be contented.
i've forgotten how it feels like to have joy beyond words..
i dont even know since when..

even during ee..
i was just relieved it was over.
there was barely a doubt that things would go seriously wrong.
i just felt numb.

i think i'm living on clockwork.
i believe because i believe.
whats there to argue anymore about faith?
its like whatever happens, happens.
you can't argue with God
He knows best.
He gives and He takes away
so?

even my assignments.
yes. i got my miracles.
but then.. it was almost like..
of course God will see me through
but even if He didnt, so?
He is still God.
doesn change.

i've lost that joy of seeing things happen
or being excited about whats to come
there's nothing i look forward to
(except ok.. maybe local missions)
everything seems to be obligations and responsibilities
they seem to be

but deep down.
i cannot let go
i cant
everything i know i believe i value and i trust
is built upon God God and God
i'm so tired and so so so drained
till the point i barely feel no more
but i still cannot turn my back
sometimes. i hate that.

tied. i'm tied down.

God, i now know that when all emotions clash,
they just fade to nothing.

do whatever You want.
i'm too tired to be bothered.
lest i make a mess out of myself again

for Yours is the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory.
forever and ever.
amen.