somethings just don't last

i am on the verge of giving up.. no, i am not talking about assignments here.. it's not about that. i am losing sight. i am losing my faith.

i'm starting to think, if i didn't have all these christian commitments, i'd have so much more time to do other stuff.

i would have mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays, fridays and saturday nights free.
i wouldn't have to wake up early on tuesday mornings for prayer.
i wouldn't have to feel bad for missing meetings at church.
i could be who i wanted to be without having to bother about people judging me because i'm a christian.
it wouldn't matter if i failed to keep to my standards, i would not be condemned.
i would not have to try so hard and still feeling like a freaking failure.
i'd save a lot on my handphone bill. oh, and petrol too.
i won't be a hypocrite.
i can go to sleep each night without the guilt of missing quiet time or for not praying.
i can blog what i want without feeling this dread that i feel because i'm uncertain of how this may turn out.
i can be mean and nasty without having to disgrace Christ.
i can be nice and not question if i wanted to or if i had to.

i'm sick of people waiting to see me fall
i'm sick of people giving warning after warning about me burning out
i'm sick of all the cilche stuff people say as 'encouragement'

and i bet for some, you shake your head as you read this post.
i am human too. and so are you.

it is the hardest thing. to want to let go but be unable to do so.

i don't want to be a designer all my life. i don't want to be stuck with a nine to five job. i want to be a pastor. i want to go on missions. i want to share the love of Christ. i can't do that if i give up now.

i still want my second degree. i want to go to bible school. i want to open that letter. i can't do that if i give up now.

i want to learn to play the guitar well. that way, we don't have to sing acapella in cg. that way, i can put chords to the songs i wrote for You. i can't do that if i give up now.

i haven't acted for You yet. i haven't danced enough for You yet. and i can't do that if i give up now.

i love the people in cambodia. i want to go back there again. i can't do that if i give up now.

i'm so used to calling out to You. so used to loving You. so used to falling into Your arms. i can't do that anymore if i give up now.

i love it when You touch me. i love it when You take me back. i love it when You understand. i love Your gentle reminders and little gifts. the way You shower me with kisses from heaven. it won't happen anymore if i give up now.

i love Your word. writting love letters to You. You don't mind my ugly drawings. or my constant silent petty prayers. i can't do that anymore if i give up now.

and the peace that comes. the reassurance. the comfort. the strength. the joy. it won't be there anymore if i give up now.

and so my whole life is built upon this all. when everything else sways, You remain.
i can not give up.

yes.
somethings just don't last
but somethings do.
for eternity.