livin' it REAL

or at least trying too.. not very hard, if i might add.

a lot of things have changed since i first came to study here. and i'm not sure if all of them are for the better. sometimes, i wish that i was still as cold as i was when i came... but i know that its not the way Daddy wants me to be.

but.. that leaves me subject to more pain.. to feel, to be sensitive, means to hurt, to be broken apart by people and for people. i guess it makes me more human.

am i happy?

i don't know.

right now.. i'm afraid to be real. i'm afraid to share my life. afraid to tell how i really feel.. till a point where i sometimes just disconnect with myself. then when it all comes washing over me.. i find the load to be heavier everytime.

judged. pointed at. talked about.
i dont want to share my life any more.

frowned upon.
whats wrong with being occupied? seems to be a sin to be busy.

no one to turn to anymore. i thought i could talk to you... but then i realised that everything i share with you.. seems to also be known by others around. hah. in the name of concern and care.. no. i'm not angry. you're too lovable.. thats why i cant help but talk to you.. even when i know.. but.. not anymore. i can't take it.

my life is a lie. a facade of happiness. a mask of laughter. a cover of smiles..

but oh.. the joy.. the joy of the Lord that is my strength.. that keeps me going.. that picks me up.. that sees me through.. that carries me.. that is there. that is REAL.

that is real.....