loa = lack of attention
warning.. the next few posts will not be very edifying.. can stop reading for these few days.. you have been warned..
how do you define the term 'loa'? whats the measure or the criteria to label or to be labelled 'loa'? where's the line between just wanting attention and wanting to be transparent, wanting to be real? i don't know.. and actually, i don't really care..
a friend was over a few nights ago..
he said: your house feels so cold.. like no life like that
i replied: yea. like the owner.
i feel like the son in the script
i hear people talk about loneliness. being alone.. i used to be totally ok being alone. i didn't mind. i enjoyed myself, amused myself.. that was how it was when i first came to mmu.. most of my friends stay on campus, they normally go back to their respective rooms after/between class. so i would come home.. and during that time, i only had one housemate. my place is usually empty. but, i was happy. i was contented. i was fine.
maybe cause i had you. cause i knew you were always there. someone who cared, someone whom i could always fall back on.. but things had to change. things had to become like this.... no point asking why.. life's like that. you win some, you lose some.. and boy.. how much i've lost.
right now, i don't even know where i belong. i have Jesus and it means a lot. He means a lot. means everything. and i know that He will never change, He will never leave. but now i know what its like to really be alone. cause you're not there anymore. you say you are.. but you're not. i know. i know.
empty. yes. i feel it. so much. everything that i do feels like a refuge. feels so fake. i sleep, and i wake up feeling so wasted. i don't even feel like going for cf, cg or church anymore. i don't belong. never did. not sure if i ever will.
friends.. what friends? those that i hang out with? eat and lepak with? laugh and crap with? yea.. got a few.. just a handful.. (well.. erm.. not really also..) but those with a shoulder i can cry on.. those whose hand i can hold.. those that i can call up in the middle of the night and say nothing.. those whose arms will embrace.. none.
maybe its because i've never tried being a friend to someone.. maybe its cause i'm too selfish.. too self centered.. yes. maybe thats why. but who needs me. who'd want me as a friend?
where are you now? where am i now..? how much you affect my life.. man.. did everyone plan this? to all abandon me at the same time? one by one? so that i'd be left behind to learn how to be stronger? God, why are You silent??
where's the line between grace and rebuke? between serving and being used?
i don't need people calling me because of this post. i don't want people trying to show concern after reading this. so fake. whats the point then? loa? maybe. but more than that, i want to be real. i admit my faults. i'm not perfect. not born with a halo on my head. i was reborn. and i only strive to be Christ-like. but i'm losing my grace..
promises.. commitments.. gone. i don't want to hold anything against you. i don't want to blame you at all. i know i made wrong decisions. i know i played a part. i'm just a fool. thats all. but you know i still care. and i'm constanly waiting.. just to be disappointed again and again..
silence.
you're good at that.
God's bringing me back to the start. i'm on square one again. i've climbed so many ladders and its about time i land on the snake. the slide was far and long.. all the way to the bottom. so here i am.. i guess i should be thankful that i'm not out of the game yet. i may have lost this battle but the war's not over.
i still believe and i never stopped trusting.
Comforts come in many ways.. a bowl of spegetti from my housemate, sms conversation with a long time friend.. and in dreams. where things are not as it seems.. where everything is fine and well..
no. i'm not angry. i'm not bitter.. just a lil lost at the moment. just a lil frust for now. but yea.. i'll be ok. i will be. and Life is still good. all the time.
loa?? maybe.. maybe..
how do you define the term 'loa'? whats the measure or the criteria to label or to be labelled 'loa'? where's the line between just wanting attention and wanting to be transparent, wanting to be real? i don't know.. and actually, i don't really care..
a friend was over a few nights ago..
he said: your house feels so cold.. like no life like that
i replied: yea. like the owner.
i feel like the son in the script
i hear people talk about loneliness. being alone.. i used to be totally ok being alone. i didn't mind. i enjoyed myself, amused myself.. that was how it was when i first came to mmu.. most of my friends stay on campus, they normally go back to their respective rooms after/between class. so i would come home.. and during that time, i only had one housemate. my place is usually empty. but, i was happy. i was contented. i was fine.
maybe cause i had you. cause i knew you were always there. someone who cared, someone whom i could always fall back on.. but things had to change. things had to become like this.... no point asking why.. life's like that. you win some, you lose some.. and boy.. how much i've lost.
right now, i don't even know where i belong. i have Jesus and it means a lot. He means a lot. means everything. and i know that He will never change, He will never leave. but now i know what its like to really be alone. cause you're not there anymore. you say you are.. but you're not. i know. i know.
empty. yes. i feel it. so much. everything that i do feels like a refuge. feels so fake. i sleep, and i wake up feeling so wasted. i don't even feel like going for cf, cg or church anymore. i don't belong. never did. not sure if i ever will.
friends.. what friends? those that i hang out with? eat and lepak with? laugh and crap with? yea.. got a few.. just a handful.. (well.. erm.. not really also..) but those with a shoulder i can cry on.. those whose hand i can hold.. those that i can call up in the middle of the night and say nothing.. those whose arms will embrace.. none.
maybe its because i've never tried being a friend to someone.. maybe its cause i'm too selfish.. too self centered.. yes. maybe thats why. but who needs me. who'd want me as a friend?
where are you now? where am i now..? how much you affect my life.. man.. did everyone plan this? to all abandon me at the same time? one by one? so that i'd be left behind to learn how to be stronger? God, why are You silent??
where's the line between grace and rebuke? between serving and being used?
i don't need people calling me because of this post. i don't want people trying to show concern after reading this. so fake. whats the point then? loa? maybe. but more than that, i want to be real. i admit my faults. i'm not perfect. not born with a halo on my head. i was reborn. and i only strive to be Christ-like. but i'm losing my grace..
promises.. commitments.. gone. i don't want to hold anything against you. i don't want to blame you at all. i know i made wrong decisions. i know i played a part. i'm just a fool. thats all. but you know i still care. and i'm constanly waiting.. just to be disappointed again and again..
silence.
you're good at that.
God's bringing me back to the start. i'm on square one again. i've climbed so many ladders and its about time i land on the snake. the slide was far and long.. all the way to the bottom. so here i am.. i guess i should be thankful that i'm not out of the game yet. i may have lost this battle but the war's not over.
i still believe and i never stopped trusting.
Comforts come in many ways.. a bowl of spegetti from my housemate, sms conversation with a long time friend.. and in dreams. where things are not as it seems.. where everything is fine and well..
no. i'm not angry. i'm not bitter.. just a lil lost at the moment. just a lil frust for now. but yea.. i'll be ok. i will be. and Life is still good. all the time.
loa?? maybe.. maybe..
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